GG

 I don't even know how to start this. 

Chaz has been saying this would be the hardest and I kept brushing him off. 

We've got time. We've got time. We've got time. 

My Grandma, Gma, or GG as the kids call her, went into the hospital in the early Spring, Right as Covid was peaking.

I remember I was doing yoga in my room because everything was shut down. I got a Facebook call, which is weird because I didn't even know that was a thing. 

I answered and immediately was annoyed to see my brother, mom and aunts faces, probably just dorking around and wanting to say hi. 

"Ugh! I'm trying to do yoga! I'm getting fat in quarantine, leave me alone!" I shouted at their faces. 

"Shut up, this is important sis!" 

When Chaz uses the word Sis, I always sit up a little straighter and try to put on my big sister, I'm-more-responsible-and-older-than-you-don't-call-me-Sis pants. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

"GG went into the hospital." 

They assured me it was ok and that she was being taken care of.  I said ok and went back to yoga. Charlie came in and asked if I was ok, I brushed him off and he watched as a tear slid down my face. I wouldn't let him hug me, because if he did that, then it was real. This was just a blip in my grandmas life.

We've got time. We've got time. We've got time. 

She continued in and out of the hospital all this year and went into a care facility, where her health could be better managed. I tried to call as often as I could. It was such a hard year for everyone, it was hard to call her and see her on FaceTime and not be able to go and see her in person. It was hard to understand that this was life now, that I couldn't go to her house and see her. That I couldn't ask her to hang with the kids for an hour while I went to yoga. That I couldn't bring her Trader Joes coffee because that was her favorite. It was hard to understand and connect with the fact that I couldn't see this person who meant so much to me and understand that this was it. I didn't want to face the scary horrible unknown. My life, my kids' lives without my trusty Gma. 

My Grandma was not your typical Grandma. She wasn't squishy and warm and cuddly. She was the opposite, I never heard her say I love you to my brother or me until Chaz started demanding that she say it and hug him, which is like the best way to get someone to love you, right? She was surly and negative. She burned cookies, she burned cake, she burned toast. We had steak one night and no one could eat it because she cooked it so long it was like eating a shoe. To which she replied, "Well I want to make sure all the bacteria is cooked out of it!"  She hated elections because the commercials would be all over every tv station, she would mute the tv and then, in her chair, rock back and forth aggressively grumbling about how dumb the commercials were. She made sure to talk about how much she hated Facebook and the bitter rivalries between Seahawks and the 49ers would ensue between families up here and in California. Her blood would boil. Like, literally, boil. The doctor would tell her she wasn't allowed to look at the computer anymore because her blood pressure was too high. 

She was surly and negative and the perfect Gma for Chaz and I. I would spend weekends at her place in Lake City, in her little apartment. She would pick me up from school in Granite Falls and we would drive all the way back into Seattle, in her green honda. It was a dangerous game because driving with her was like playing slow moving car Russian Roulette. There was a lot of "Oh jeeze! That guy cut me off!" and you would look up and the car was one thousand feet in front her with their blinker on, driving normally or "Oh gee, let me over!" and the car behind was waving her over nicely, at a decent distance behind. We would somehow safely arrive at her house and pop over to Blockbuster video where at 4 years old the only movie I wanted to watch was Death Becomes Her. She would happily rent this inappropriate for a 4 year old movie and then we would pick out the best dinner treat of all time, the Kid Cuisine. Sitting there in my Grandmas apartment, eating my kid cuisine whilst watching Death Becomes Her with the sound of the sewing machine making me custom Barbie clothes in the background, was my safe place. The sounds of the city, my Grandmas sewing machine, her yellow chair squeeking as she rocked back and forth, her gently snoring at 7pm in the chair, the smell of the apple and cinnamon Kid Cuisine dessert, asking her if she wanted to play the animal sounds game at midnight snuggled up against her, this was my safe place. My Grandma was my safe space. She was there anytime I needed her. She never said no. Ever. If I wanted to lay on the couch all day, fine. If I wanted to go to the park and play, fine. If I wanted to eat baked oysters because I swear I love them and I wont puke at the restaurant, fine. She gave me space to be me. She gave me the opportunity to be me. There was never a time when I couldn't count on her. That continued into my teenage years and into my adult hood. 

I had a pretty rough childhood, from 10 until I moved out at 18. My parents divorced, which was fine, but they both made some choices that didn't really fit into a positive and supportive life for me. I lived with my Dad and had a very physically abusive Step Mother, and my mom kinda lived with her boyfriend sometimes and lived with my Grandma sometimes. It was hard to know where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to do; how I was supposed to act. When my mom lived with my Grandma, my brother and I would sleep on the floor or on the couch at her house. I remember many times falling asleep with a gnarly hangover in front of her pellet stove. She would make sure that we ate until we were nauseous, she made sure that we had everything that we needed and that we were happy and comfortable. In my teen years, I would have people over to hang out at my Grandmas house. My boyfriend and all of my friends, just hanging at my Grandmas house. Like, who does that? Who, at 16, is like " Hey guys, come hang at GG's house! We can watch a movie with my Grandmother!" and everyone was super into it. Everyone wanted to hang out at Grandmas house. Her house was the meeting place for everyone, when I got kicked out of my house, I lived there. There wasn't any question, that I would just live there for a few weeks until I found an apartment. When I was pregnant, I lived there so I could save money. I went into labor at her house because Chaz told a stupid joke and she made a ridiculous comment and I laughed so hard my water broke. We were in the middle of moving when I had Steve and my clothes were at her house still, I asked her to bring me a bag. She packed me, pre pregnancy jeans and a thong. I had to go back to work 26 days after having Steve. I didn't even ask, she just watched him. She helped raise my son, and she did a very GG job of it. When we lived in Sedro Wooley and Charlie didnt have a license, she would get up at 5 am to go and pick up Charlie from the bus station and take him to work. No questions asked. There are countless stories of her selflessness. There are countless stories where she would just do. There was never a time that she didn't put others before herself. She was the rock solid, she was the meeting place, the safe place, she was the surly negative Matriarch of our family. She was epitome of everything we all needed. 

Watching her decline was excruciatingly painful. She lived with us for a little bit after she sold her house and it started very slow. One time she came home and there was an airplane overhead, "Is there an airport near here? Jeeze!" I responded "Yes, you know that! Gimme that bag, let me help you!" She started stating very obvious things and asking questions she already knew. She started to get frustrated because she couldn't remember things she already knew and she couldn't do things she had been able to do for so long. After we moved she went and lived with my mom for a few years and then my aunt. Seeing her was hard because she was so independent for so long, she did everything herself, she was whip smart and knew everything; she was very well read and could straight up murder any crossword puzzle. But in her later years, it was hard to not see the same person that was so sturdy and solid in my younger life. 

In December when she went into the hospital for the last time, I talked to her on Facetime. Looking up her nose and at various times seeing her forehead, was delightful. We chatted about life and I told her about my huge arm tattoo to which she was completely disgusted. I told her we had pulled Summer out of school and she was working at the shop with us and not doing math worksheets, again completely disgusted. Then at the end of the conversation, she yelled 'Sugar cookies! Are you making sugar cookies, I want some!" I made that woman the best damn sugar cookies I have ever made. I dropped them at the hospital for her along with a note. 

We've got time. We've got time. We've got time. 

She was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver and still I didn't think she would go. Still I figured she would be fine and that she would be back in the care facility again and that I would be able to see her in person in a few months. I just couldnt wrap my brain around her being gone. I couldnt think of a life without her. I couldnt fathom not having her available to me. 

I taught a Sunday morning yoga class and when I turned my phone back on, there were a bunch of missed phone calls and texts from family. My brothers sticks out the most "GG is in a bad way, get here." 

They had placed her on hospice and put her in another care facility. I went down there, not knowing what to expect. I was able to go to her window, outside looking in. 

I broke. Right there, at her window, my heart broke, my brain broke, my body broke. 

She was tiny in her hospital bed, hair shorn and grey. Her mouth open and eyes in and out of focus. I tried calling her, like my mom had requested, to no avail. I didnt try again. I just wanted to be there and not make her do anything. I just wanted to be there without any expectations from her. Without any needs. She had always made sure we were all taken care of, this was a time for her to rest. 

I got her attention and she smiled and I blew her kisses and shouted I love you and she blew kisses back. She fell asleep and I sobbed, openly, with my hand on the window. I cried so hard that my face and head hurt. I cried so loud that the nurse came outside and handed me a box of tissues. I let everything go in that moment, for her and for me. One by one family came to outside her window. One by one, we all cried in turn. My best friends came and sat vigil outside her window. The ones who used to willingly and happily hang out at her house in their teen years, when it was supposed to be uncool.

I needed to be alone, I went out on the paddle board and paddled with a trio of seals on the icy water at kayak point. I paddled hard and fast and tried to get the seals to climb aboard. I chuckled to myself knowing that she would hate that I was out on the water in the middle of winter, trying to get wild animals on my paddleboard. 

She died a few days later. 

I slipped my hand into hers and my mom whispered in my ear that she had just passed. My eyes flickered in shock. I kept my hand in hers and squeezed. I hugged Charlie and sat down. Everyone was telling stories and sharing details of her life that we all shared together. I just wanted to be alone. I left and went to yoga, where I muscled through everything and cried on my mat. I didnt want to believe that she was gone. I didnt speak about her for a few days. I didnt talk to my mom or my aunt, no matter how many times they had reached out. I didnt want to talk to my brother or Charlie. I just didnt want this to be real. I didnt want to face the fact that I wouldnt get a call from her demanding sugar cookies or hear stories that she was throwing things at the hospital door to get someones attention when she dropped the call button. I didnt want to be a soother for the family either. I didnt want to explain to my mom in my yoga voice that this is where all life leads and that she had a beautiful purposeful life. I wanted to punch a hole in the wall and ask why she didnt take better care of herself. I wanted to ask my Grandma why we didnt have more time like I thought we would. I wanted to be in her apartment watching her make me tiny Barbie clothes without a pattern and saying "Well Sara, I just dont know what this will look like." 

Chaz and I are getting tattoos in a couple days in honor of her, something that will be extremely cathartic for the both of us. Also, something that she would really, really frown upon and in that I take extreme rebellious pleasure. I can picture showing her the tattoos and her just being so hilariously disgusted and Chaz and I in riotous laughter at her reaction. 

Ill never be fully ok with the fact that my Grandma is gone and I cant count on her anymore, but Im so happy that she was able to spend so much time with me and my little family. That they were able to count on her and know what its like to have such a solid person that's always there, no matter the circumstance. 

Shake it off

In the 3rd grade my Mom took me school shopping and I bought this really cute cream cable knit sweater. I remember really enjoying it and thinking that I looked amazing in it.
I went to school wearing my beautiful cream cable knit sweater. I was 9 years old.
I sat down at my desk and looked out across all the other little girls. No one had such an excellent sweater as me. I held the crown for the best sweater in the 3rd grade.
I remember looking down at my belly. The cable knit hugged my little 3rd grade stomach in a really unflattering way, you could see the 3 belly rolls that I had had since I could remember. I consciously remember thinking, “Oh, well I guess I need to start sucking in my stomach to make myself look skinny.”
I have never, since that day in the 3rd grade let my stomach sit slack, it is always sucked in.
The next year in the 4th grade, the school was literally obsessed with scoliosis. I feel like we got screened for scoliosis constantly. We also had to have our height measured, and of course our weight. I was in line, belly tucked in tight, and every kid in front of me was 70 pounds.
My aunt had a digital scale in her bathroom that I used because I thought it was really fun to watch the red lights flash up, so I knew I was much more than that. I was 100 pounds. Why was everyone else so much lighter than me?
I didn’t want to get on the scale and have everyone see how different I was. I didn’t have scoliosis but I certainly wasn’t flashing a 70 when every other kid was and at 10 years old that was really scary for me, I didn’t want to be different.
My parents were going through a divorce in the 4th and 5th grade. My mom made the executive decision to have the school counselor call down to my classroom and have me come in for an evaluation.
I was crying at school all the time, now I had to go see the counselor AND I wasn’t the same weight as every kid in my class. I didn’t want to be any more different than I already felt. I decided I just wouldn’t eat anymore. That was a really solid solution.
In my 10 year old brain that was obvious. Don’t eat, you’ll be fine and then you’ll be the same number as everyone else.
I went to my grandmas house that weekend that I decided food just wasn’t for me.
She noticed that her normally hearty, Kid Cuisine loving Grand daughter wasn’t eating anything.
I was sick all morning and threw up.
She demanded that I eat toast.
I screamed and cried and told her I didn’t want to eat anything, I wasn’t hungry!
She tossed up the big guns, she was going to tell my mom.
I didn’t know why, but I desperately didn’t want her to tell my mom.
I cried and protested and ate the toast.
Now I knew that if I wanted to stop eating, I had to be sneaky about it because apparently it was frowned upon to stop eating.
I started getting snarky little comments at school about how “fat” and “huge” I was.
I also started my period at 11 so on top of being 30 pounds bigger than everyone I was starting to develop hips and thighs. All of my friends were these tiny little girls, I just didn’t understand why I was so much bigger than they were.
I grew up in a house with snackwells and gross, watery tofu packs in the fridge.
My mom was obsessed with fitness. Her friends were obsessed with their weight and fitness. She was constantly concerned that she was too big. Her friends were constantly concerned that they were too big. My aunt did weight watchers. My grandma did weight watchers. My mom was an aerobics instructor so I grew up in a gym. I was around all this outside influence. Every women in my life was obsessed with eating nonfat low calorie foods. This was the 90’s and the time of the nonfat, sugar free craze. My mom had these delicious chocolate snackwell cookies that we weren’t allowed to eat because they were hers. I coveted those cookies and thought that if I ate those cookies, that would make me skinny. So I would sneak these little nonfat cookies and then eat only an apple for the whole day.
During the summer I was left to my own devices and that was such a source of comfort and control for me, I was proud of the fact that I came home from running the neighborhood to eat an apple, sneak some “healthy” cookies and not have anything else for the day.
I told my mom one day that I had only eaten an apple, thinking she would be impressed with my incredible self control.
She told me she was really concerned, that wasn’t enough to be eating for the day and that I should really be eating more food.
Note taken.
Do not tell ANY adults that I don’t want to eat.
Got it.
In middle school my peers finally started to catch up to me. I thinned out and they chunked up and got their periods. My dad married this horrible woman and my brother and I lived with them. My mom had visitation on the weekends.
The lady my dad married was tiny. So was her daughter. School shopping was always horrible. Her daughter, who was a lot younger and I’m sure didn’t mean anything by it, would comment on how “giant those pants are”.
In high school things started to get really bad at my house. I wanted to control this situation that I couldn’t. I was grasping at straws to feel safe in my house. I felt better when my dad was home, sometimes he would stick up for me and sometimes he would shut her down and not let the situation escalate. Then he started working nights, so she was there after work. I wasn’t safe in my home. I was scared to go upstairs and possibly have a horrible interaction with her and maybe have to call the police and have them not believe me...again.
I took back my power in this situation in the only way that felt like I could, I started throwing up my food.
I would share a lunch with a friend at school, if I did eat at all there. I would come home and gorge with friends on bagel dogs before softball practice then I would come home eat some more and throw everything up in my stomach until my eyes watered so bad that I couldn’t see and my throat hurt.
It felt good.
I was losing this extra 30 pounds that I had carried around with me, I was getting compliments, the older boys at school were noticing me, my step mom bought me a Small tank top for the first time in my life and complimented me on how tiny I was getting, I could share clothes with my friends and I was in control. I had the power to do this. I was making my own decisions and getting results out of it. I was powerful over my own body.
Some friends of mine found out about this little hobby of mine sophomore year. They threatened to tell my mom. Again, I was thwarted. They had heard me hurling up some Mac and cheese and wanted to help me get better. As upset that I was that I had to stop, I knew that the last person I wanted to find out about this was my mom.
I met Charlie sophomore year and instead of curbing my weight and taking control with an eating disorder, we just drank like fish with alcoholism.
My dad eventually divorced the wicked step mother and I graduated from high school. I binged and purged and didn’t eat and exercised hard and tried to diet. I got pregnant at 21 and that was pretty much a free for all with food, it was marvelous. People thought I was so cute. Charlie was obsessed with my changing body and constantly complimented me on how amazing I looked.
I certainly didn’t feel cute but it was a nice change to not be thinking too much about my weight. That definitely changed once my son was born. I had postpartum anxiety so bad that I didn’t eat for 2 weeks, I was having a hard time nursing, I had never had any experience with babies and didn’t know what I was doing and this was just so foreign to me. I had a major episode and Charlie took me to the doctor where they introduced me to anti anxiety medication for the first time.
I definitely felt better mentally with the medication. I focused on healthy eating and started obsessing about my weight again.
Cue the bulimia and the anorexia and a new one I decided to throw in there, laxatives. I handled various peaks and valleys in my weight and disordered eating until I became pregnant with my daughter.
After I had my daughter I started hot yoga. I don’t know what changed, maybe it was seeing everyone, all different body shapes from various levels of fitness and knowing that I now had a little me observing everything I did and said, but yoga changed the way I viewed health.
I wanted to be strong and fit, so that I could handle a handstand. I wanted to have a strong core so that I could balance better.
I wanted to have a healthy outlook on myself and my body because I wanted my daughter to not base her whole damn life on that extra couple of pounds she had hanging on.
Progressing in yoga and probably life I became more confident in the body that I had, I decided that yes I was going to wear a tiny bikini because why the fuck not? I decided that my stretch marks were a sign that, oh my god, I have 2 kids and not something to be ashamed of. I decided that hell yes I’m going go eat the food because I enjoy it. Im going to show my students and children that a number on the scale means absolutely nothing. I am beautiful and so are you.
I try and keep that mentality every day. I am beautiful and there is so much more to me than the way I look. I have much more to offer the world than my outward appearance.
However, in the last year I’ve gained 20 pounds. The old way of thinking is steadily creeping up. I got a scale and am obsessed with weighing myself. I try and keep it in check but I can feel myself thinking back to my roots, if I just don’t eat thats fine. That’s logical. Totally ok.
But its not.
Ive had this monkey on my back since I was 9 years old. Ive been thinking about my appearance and my weight and attaching this negative nagging anxiety to it for 25 years.
That’s a long time to be have something nipping at you. That’s a long time to be obsessing about something that is so shallow. Why does it mean so much to me? I know that I have value. I know that I am a great mother, I know that I am leading by example and never talking about my weight, size, shape in a negative way to my children.
However I still do have thoughts that I’m not thin enough, that if I were just 30 pounds lighter, my life would be so much better. If I were 30 pounds lighter I’d be able to do this or that or wear this or that.
What if I just took a leap and threw this nagging monkey off?
What if I made the conscious decision to stop?
What if I ran only because I love it and it brings me joy and not running until I hit 300 calories to clear that bagel I ate this morning?
What if I threw off 25 years of negative thinking surrounding this one minuscule unimportant thing in my life?
In yoga, we say let go of things that are no longer serving you.
This negative thought process has never served me. It never will. I am not gaining anything by thinking obsessively about what if I lost 30 pounds? Because in reality, nothing will change.
I will still be the same person.
So, today, after a lifetime, I’m dropping this.
I’m dropping this negative ingrained thought process that I am not good enough until I take this weight off. I’m dropping the thought that I have to look a certain way to be considered beautiful. I am dropping this 30 pound baggage and I will never think that I am less than again.
Goodbye baggage, you are no longer worth my time.

Berlins Go Utah

Its finally time to catch up on all the goings on in the world of The Family Berlin.
I cant believe its been a whole year and I haven't written anything!
We will start with our Christmas in Utah 2017, yes that's right, get in your time machine to good ole 2017.

Charlies sister Shannon and her husband moved from San Fransisco to Salt Lake City, so he could do doctor stuff and we decided to decend upon them like Cousin Eddy and the gang, straight out of Granite Falls.

When we were there, I decided I never wanted to spend another Christmas at home.
My children's love languages are time spent together. The presents wont last, the Christmas cookies wont last, even Santa wont last; the time we are spending together will.
Tuesday morning at 610 was when our flight departed, so that meant that I had to wrangle someone into picking all of us up around 330 in the morning. Luckily, my Aunt Terry was happy to oblige. I was up at 245, the kids up at 3. I fed the dogs, let the chickens out and force fed the kids some snacks for the ride. My aunt showed up right on time and was happy to be so helpful. Goose was also incredibly happy to that we were all awake so early and clearly we were going somewhere fun. He is a huge 100 lb. lab who thinks he is still a tiny puppy. While he was going ape shit and running in circles, and while the other 2 dogs were barking and while we were trying to get every ones bags together and out the door, Goose turned one circle too many and ran into our tiny, sad Charlie Brown Christmas tree, shattering 2 super cheap and completely replaceable Christmas balls. This sent Steve straight over the edge and he broke down into deep sobs.
I yelled for Goose to lay down, crated the other 2 dogs and tried to be as loving as I could, while keeping an eye on the time.
Eventually, in the pouring rain,we all got into my Aunts sweet new ride and took off into the way too early morning.
I was thinking I could catch a little tiger snooze at the gate, because its way early and probably no one will be in the airport.
That was the biggest prank I had played on myself ever.
Did you know that all the people are traveling for Christmas? All of them. Every. Single.One.
Who knew?
In all my idiocy of nap dreaming, we stumbled into the airport and arrived into the official Gates Of Hell.
We found where we were supposed to go and then in a scene straight out of A Christmas Story, we jumped into line, were tapped on the shoulder and "The line starts here, it ends back there" and then a narrator in my head said, "the line went all the way back to Terrahaute!"
It did.
We walked and walked and walked until finally we found a man with a sign, that said "end of line" he was continually walking backward as more and more people had their Christmas Story moments.
I forced Charlie to ask, not once, but twice to confirm that, yes this where we stand.
We waited in line and I silently panicked about making our flight, while Steve voiced aloud his panic about not making the flight.
The Gates of Hell actually moved pretty damn fast for the insidious crowd gathering. As we walked through, Charlie kept asking me about boarding passes, which I had on my phone in the handy dandy Alaska App.
He was getting increasingly more agitated as we got closer and closer.
"Are you sure, we don't need paper passes? Look at all the people with the paper passes! If we have to get out of line, we won't make our flight!"
"Its fine! Ive got it right here! Stop freaking out!"
However, he did not stop freaking out.
Which freaked me out.
Which freaked Steve out.
"Mommy, we're not gonna make it!"
We approached the gate. My palms were sweaty.
I licked my lips and with shaking hands brought out my phone, ready to scan.
"Boarding passes out please! Boarding passes out!"
 Charlie tossed me a skeptical look.
Steve tossed me a skeptical look.
Summer was along for the ride.
We were next.
As Steve was on the verge of tears and Charlie was getting ready to eye ball me with anger (and Summer was just along for the ride) 
I handed my phone over, scanner ready, with trepidation.
She looked at me.
I looked at her.
We briefly stared into each others eyes, time slowed to a stop as my stomach dropped out to my knees.
"OK, I've got Sara, swipe for me for other passengers please. Summer, Steve and Charlie? Go ahead."
Oh, OK.
We were through! I looked at Charlie and said "See no big deal, jeeze. Have a little faith in me!"
They pushed us through security and we made it to the gate with about zero seconds to board.
We were on our way to Utah, land of Mormons and snow!

It was Summers first flight and the pilot came out and personally gave her, her first pair of wings.
She was super excited and take off was thrilling. Then she realized that flying is basically sitting still for an extended period of time. Good thing the flight is only 2 hours.

We arrived in Salt Lake City to a beautiful clear day and 2 of our very favorite ladies, Susie and Shannon. They whisked us through a glorious mountainscape right to Shannon and Treys house, which was basically a photo out of a magazine.
We were all super exhausted and I tried to force everyone to take a nap.
Which was unsuccessful.
 The rest of the day was filled with the kids opening up their plethora of gifts, many, many hugs and kisses and shrieks of joy from the dogs and kids jumping all over the couches and blow up mattresses in our temporary digs downstairs.
We fell asleep that night to the sounds of Summer snorting around and to Charlie snoring loudly.
I fell asleep asking myself 'where in the hell is my xanax and why don't I have earplugs?'

The next day we casually sipped coffee and tried to stay quiet as Trey was working the night shift at the hospital and was trying to sleep during the day. We played in the snow with Lucy, their labradoodle and I learned how to use the Keurig and drank probably 500 cups that morning.

We went and picked up our ride for the week, a brand spanking new gigantic never driven by anyone before us fully loaded Suburban. That thing was huge, had heated seats and was made of American Dreams and probably got 1 mile to the gallon. It was radiant and extravagant and I regret nothing.

We went on a little shopping excursion to the worlds cleanest mall and I fully stocked up on Lush products and we explored Macy's, in a new city, which looks exactly like the Macy's in Lynnwood. What a shocker.

We always go to Macy's and put the kid's Christmas Lists in the Santa Drop box, we had been so busy that we hadn't been able to do that at home. It was a welcome surprise to the kids and to me, that we were able to do that in SLC.

After we shopped till we dropped we popped over to the capital building, which was literally 3 seconds away from the mall.
Obligatory yoga poses in front of the capital were had enjoyed.
There was snow everywhere and the kids had a great time hopping all over and exploring this gorgeous new city.

That evening the kids and I walked down to a little park in the Sugar House neighborhood, where Shannon and Trey live and it was magical.
The kids played in the snow, somehow after 8 years of Steve not knowing how to swing, all of a sudden he could pump his legs, and everyone that we met was super nice and friendly.
This is the opposite of PNW life. I was ready to set our house ablaze and start fresh in Sugar House.

The next day, everyone went skiing up at one of the many ski spots that was only like 20 minutes away from the house, basically Charlie and Steves dream, while Summer and I skipped out and stayed home. Summer blew through all her Lush bath bombs and bubbles and stayed in the soaker tub playing with her barbies for at least 3 hours. I sat on the couch with a direct view of her and read, cleaned up, sipped coffee and relaxed like I hadnt relaxed all damn year.
It was the best day for my money; everyone had a great time.

I had googled "Things to do in Salt Lake with Kids" prior to our vacation and found that the zoo was doing a zoolights situation and I was desperate to go.
The kids were on the fence and really so were the other adults, but I demanded that we take everyone out in the crisp 11 degree weather and enjoy the damn animals in the lights. We drove all over town looking for these tickets at various Wendys. I could have paid the full amount to get in, but why would I do that when I could spend an entire day searching for the Golden Ticket like Charlie and the Wonka Bars?

We waited until dark and sub zero temps and ventured into the lights. I was there and ready to fully document this beautiful orchestra of fun, dancing animals, supreme familial bonding and possible Santa sightings.
And then my phone died.
Clearly I was not prepared. Needless to say we froze our butts right off, the kids were the happiest in the cafeteria drinking little cups of scalding hot cocoa and refused to stand in line for one second to see Santa. They had reindeer in little pens next to Santas Workshop and while everyone was impressed, Steve looked at me with his big sad hazel eyes and sighed, "Poor reindeer, that pen is way too small. They look scared." and really they did.

Overall Zoolights was not the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory DZ Funzone I had imagined. It never is. I will never learn to stop hyping things in my head and forcing people to do things. Never.

We popped on up to Park City, fun fact, Uncle Trey was an alternate in the Winter Olympics in Park City for the long jump. Shannon is a high finance wizard with like 100 college degrees and Trey is an Olympian Doctor. When I compare our fly by the seat of our pants plan nothing and prepare for nothing family to Cousin Eddy, I mean it.

Anywho, Park City was fascinating. All the shops and cool places, it was magical with all the snow and the cute little houses, the whole vibe was amazing. Summer and I are normally warm weather lovers but even we were smitten with Park City and all its rustic glamour.
We totally were chased down by Santa too and the kids finally got to chill with him, I don't know if they were excited about it. By the looks on their faces, the could probably take it or leave it really.

 We finished out our trip with a Chinese dinner and watched Die Hard 1, 2 and 3. It was the best Christmas Vacation we could have asked for. We spent time with family we don't see often and got to explore a new spot. The airport on the way back was a breeze and Summer is now at expert flight status. 

Shannon is actually giving birth to a new little Oxford as I write this so I see SLC in our very, very near future. The kids don't remember the gifts they got that year but they certainly do remember skiing with Grandma Susie, Aunt Shannon and Uncle Trey, playing in the snow and the swinging at the park. We couldn't make a Christmas trip happen this year, but Ill be hard pressed to stay in the rainy PNW when there will be a squishy nephew baby in Utah next Christmas. 

Costa Rica comes to a close

Well friends, it has been 6 months since our Costa Rica trip and probably 5 months since I wrote the 4th leg of our journey. We are going on a family vacation to Utah in 2 weeks and because I'm backed up enough as it is, I figured I should finish out Costa Rica before I get 6 months behind that and our first family trip via airplane.

On our last full day Charlie and I were up super early. Like 6 am early. So we got dressed, went downstairs and whisper argued about how best to get the GD door open without waking up Janet who was sleeping exactly 3 inches away from the door lock.
After we finally figured that out, we walked to the little plaza where there was a cute coffee/breakfast place and we had to wait  for them to open up.
They made me a bagel and a house drip. Charlie however had become a fancy American traveler and ordered a cappuccino with 3 shots. They looked at him and were like "Tres? Three?" and shot each other looks like he was some crazy person.
We ate our breakfast and chatted about business and all the catching up we needed to do when we got home. We eventually grabbed our coffees to go  and went out to the beach. We walked and walked and walked. We walked so far up the beach it was like the Shel Silverstein book "Where the Sidewalk Ends".

Because thats exactly what we saw, a sidewalk that looked like they just stopped building it and a largish ravine where a small trickle of river fed into the ocean. On one side of the river there was the tourist side where the sidewalk abruptly ended. On the other side there was the not tourist side. The beach wasn't kept up and there was garbage everywhere. We then saw a dog walking in and out of the surf.
It wouldn't have been that big of a deal but the dog was incredibly emaciated and looked so sad, it crushed us both. We had a big bottle of water in our back pack. We put some water in a bowl and we tried to get the dog to come to us. She casually walked over to us, licked the water once, and walked back into the surf. Upon seeing her closer, we could see every bone in her body, she was covered in sores and probably fleas. We wanted to take her with us, to take her home and snuggle her up in love, that it looked like she never had. We kept trying to call her over to us but she really just wanted to walk in the surf and be done. It was devastating.
We walked back down the beach and discussed all the ways we could help street dogs in Costa Rica and everywhere else in the world. We've got some big things coming someday!

Walking back to the other side, the tourist side, we discovered a waterfall and terrifying sand crabs that jumped up out of nowhere and scuttled away if you got to close and also, some kick ass wood art. As seen below.

I made sure to take a picture in front of it, just to keep it extra touristy.
We made our way back to the house, and finally did laundry, of which I made a video of and Charlie absolutely loves it.
That night we decided was finally the night. The night we hit the town and take no prisoners. The night
WE.
STAY.
UP.
WAY.
PAST.
9:30.
BOOM.
I thought about doing hair and makeup and then I was like "Fuck that. It will melt and my hair will curl in literally 3 minutes." I did remember to obey the thighs of thunder goddess and wear shorts though, saving me lots of horrific and ridiculously uncomfortable chaffage.
We walked into town, had dinner and shopped a bit. Summer had requested a "Costa Rica Mermaid Barbie" to which I told her was totally doable. I was used to Mexico where haggling is a huge thing and you can get a cheap plastic 'Barbie' for $2. The only one I found was a Dollar Store 'Barbie' going for $20. I told the lady to take off a zero.
She did not bite.
Anywho, we ended getting these KICK ASS slap bracelets with lizards on them for a killer (probably not) deal.
We slap braceleted each other all night and I was very hard pressed to actually give mine to my daughter.
We treacherously crossed the street in the rain and darkness and came across an open air bar. We recognized the server as someone we had seen on the street trying to ride her bike with a puppy in her hands.

She had the puppy at work and we demanded to play with it. She grabbed the puppy and while we took shots and drank beers, played with this adorable puppy. There was also a small child, probably 2 or 3 hanging out with his family. We played with him also.
This is hard partying at its best, ladies and gentlemen.

Slap bracelets? Check.
Puppies? Check.
Small Children? Check.
How could we party any harder, you ask?
I'm pretty sure I terrified Heather into not ever wanting to share drinks with me by putting something unsettling into my mouth. Maybe a coin? Maybe I licked the table? My memory of this night becomes hazy but I do remember laughing really hard and Heather dry heaving next to me while Janet egged me on next to her.
We shut this place down (we did not) and went on to another bar.

They had live music and we sat in the VIP section and drank watered down Pina Coladas.
We jammed and drank and took shots and jammed and drank and took more shots.
Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw a little white fluff of scruffy fur and beckoned for it to come to us. Charlie and I got down on our hands and knees and loved this little street dog until it could take no more and left us. I didn't feel too bad for this one, it clearly wasn't starving, as it turned down a French fry we casually offered it, but it still hurt my hear to know that he was going to sleep somewhere that wasn't a home with loving people in it.
Again, Heather dry heaved next to me and screamed with disdain, "I cant believe you touched that!"
There was a table of people directly in front of us and we kept trying to figure out who was with who and who Janet was going to stumble over to and ask to dance.
None of us could make up our minds however, so Janet danced by herself. At our table. Next to the street dog.
Having had copious amounts of Pina Colada but somehow not getting more drunk started to be a concern for me, as was the fact that I was still on my lady time and had not brought a tampon with me.
We were all ready to go home except for wandering eyes and slurred words Janet.
She was not ready.
"The party is just getting going! Its not even midnight!"
"I am bleeding through my shorts."
"I cannot find the lizard on my slap bracelet!"
The general consensus was that it was time to go home. We stumbled out of there and somehow made our way home. Aidan took Janet back out and the rest of us swam in the pool until midnight. It was a glorious last night in paradise.
The next day Charlie and I were up again at the crack of dawn. Again we had issues with the door and had the same whisper fight basically in a hung over Janet's ear.
We practiced Charlie's Spanish as we walked on the beach and enjoyed our last morning in Coco. We came upon the beach entrance for town and out from under the pier came 2 puppies, running up excitedly to meet us. They were the sweetest things I have ever seen. Big puppies, that were going to be huge dogs. I screamed in delight as they wiggled in and out of our legs and let us play with them.

A lady who just so happened to be walking her dog, stopped to chat with us. She said the dogs we for sure street dogs and her dog was a rescue that she had just gotten recently.

She had friends that had just started a non-profit animal rescue and we jumped on that and asked for the name.
We walked back to the condo with a renewed sense of purpose. We run a business that could potentially make us a lot of money if we nurture it correctly. Money is nice and all but if we have the means to save puppy lives I'm all in.

We packed up our stuff into our teeny tiny carry on's. I obsessively checked that I had my passport and we waited patiently for our driver.
We had a really lovely chat with him as well, he told me that saying 'caliente' was like saying 'horny' so I should say 'frio' in reference to the weather.
I'm not someone who embarrasses easily, but I wanted to slink away and die with that tidbit of wisdom.
We made it to the airport and said goodbye to our week of fun filled Costa Rica goodness. I was set to conquer the world and save all the animals, Charlie was ready to work, Heather was ready to squeeze her babies until they couldn't breathe, Aidan was ready to nap and Janet was ready to write some Masters level college papers.
All in all it was an amazing getaway.
I am so, so, so ready for more.
And to save all the puppies.

Cheers.

PS : Extra Cheers

Heathers Lifeless Body and Learning to Let Go, Day 4 Costa Rica

 The 26th was Charlies 32nd birthday and we decided to celebrate with SeaBird Sailing. I was in contact with the company and really loved what they were going for.
Just a chill morning sail and some snorkeling. They had hammocks on the boat and they took tons of pictures.
I'm in.
It just so happened that they had the option of a birthday cake included with the morning sail.
Um, hell yes I want the birthday cake.
One of the first communications I had with the owner of the company was "Please make sure everyone wears sunscreen, even if its an overcast day, please wear sunscreen and bring it with you for reapplication."
I don't believe in sunscreen so I told everyone else about it and they all made sure to lather up.
The morning of Charlies birthday and our big day out on the sailboat, where we would be in the water and snorkeling with fish, in the ocean and using sailboat bathrooms,
my body was like "Hey, you know what would be fun? If we started your period! Party!"
and my brain was like "Ugh."
Heather and Aidan took Dramamine because apparently sometimes these super-fun-havers get seasick and we were off!
We strolled down the beach, sort of knowing where we were going and kind of camped out in the general region we were thinking it was in.
We all just kind of looked at each other and kicked around some sand, when we saw a lady carrying a birthday cake come walking toward us.
"SeaBird?" I called out.
"How'd you know? I'm Amy!" She yelled back.
She was clearly American and quite obviously midwestern with her adorable accent.
She had moved down 4 years ago with her daughters and loved Coco.
Her one daughter was working on getting her Master Diver Certification and her other daughter, volunteered at a vet.
Charlie and I immediately jumped on this.
"Yes, there are so many strays here!"
"They think that fixing their animals takes the virility out of their male dogs and this is also a very Catholic country, so many of them don't even think about it.
My daughter helps with catching the strays, spaying or neutering them, they give them antibiotics for 2 days and then they send them back out."
We would have asked a million more questions but our little dingy was coming in and it was time for us to go and sail.
She gave us the rundown and we had to surrender our shoes, she assured us we would get them back.
There was another 2 ladies with us on the boat, from Atlanta, and they were wonderful and super sociable.
The 2 ladies and Janet and Heather went out with them and Charlie, Aidan and I were next.
We rowed out to and amazing sailboat, resplendent with 2 hammocks on the back side and cushions and pillows everywhere we looked. I snagged a spot on the front on a little pillow with Janet next to me and we were asked what we wanted to drink before we could even sit down.
Janet and I ordered sangria and waited patiently for our drinks.
Charlie and Aidan both went with Mimosas.
As Janet and I sat back and snuggled with our drinks, we finally realized we were missing one our troupe.
Heather was laying face down next to the boat driver. She would not move a muscle for the remainder of the sail.
"Yeah, shes feeling pretty sea sick right now. Honey, you alright?" Aidan shouted down to her while casually drinking his mimosa.
She responded with no movement.
The Dramamine had zero effect on her and we all felt super bad.
But I mean, not so bad that we stopped drinking and whooping it up.
Charlie recounted that he had been seasick when working off shore for 2 days and it was the worst 2 days of his life.
Aidan had been seasick on an all day fishing trip in the San Juans.
"Heather, at least its just for like 3 hours. Right?" We called down to her.
She responded with no movement.
Now that we all had drinks in hand and were ready for our sailing trip we could get moving!
It was a nice slow sail and we struck up a conversation with the ladies on the boat.
They were super nice and Aidan found out that one of them was just about to retire from Verizon perhaps, or some other telecommunications company and they both nerded out for the remainder of the trip.It was an overcast day which was nice because the sun wasn't aggressively beating down on us. We sat back and took in all the beautiful views, they explained what things were and the names of all the inlets and little, tiny islands.
It was gorgeous and one of my favorite memories from the trip.
Sipping on my Mimosa, chatting with Janet and taking in all the amazing scenery.
It was marvelous.
They brought out a little fruit plate with the best pineapple I've ever had and some watermelon, which I'm sure was just as delicious. I don't particularly like watermelon and neither does Janet, so we fought like slow moving drunk gorillas over the pineapple.
"You know I don't like watermelon!"
"You know I don't either!"
"Stop eating all the pineapple!"
"Charlie get your hands out of the pineapple!"
We aggressively hand slapped each other, until the other 2 ladies on the boat casually wandered over.
We had to act civilized while they were around, but still jostled each other for the last few pieces and made sure no one else ate any of it.
This seems like a good time to mention that none of us had eaten anything yet that day.
We were 400 mimosas deep about to Action Jackson jump into the deep blue in search of marine life and were all feeling pretty tipsy.
I should also mention, I cant swim very well and I am embarrassingly terrified of snorkeling.
Seems safe, right?

After our casual boat ride, I briefly thought about just chilling on the boat with Heather, and by chilling on the boat with Heather, I mean talking to her unresponsive body and drinking next to her.
I decided I would give the snorkeling a try.
The last time I snorkeled  was in Hawaii in 2009. It was supposed to be a romantic nighttime snorkel with my newly engaged fiance. He excitedly strapped on his flippers, called over his shoulder, "You ready, babe!" and jumped in happily.
I messed around with my flippers, not having an idea how to walk with them on, put my face mask on, finally got out to waist high water, put my face in and had a panic attack.
He made me practice in the pool the next day for like 5 hours.
So, with that in mind I leapt in the water after all my friends.
I should mention that Charlie was a lifeguard in high school, has his PADI certification and was a commercial diver in the Gulf of Mexico for 2 years. So, I was fully putting my trust in the birthday boy to not let me drown.
I had him throw me down a mask, but really didn't want to fuck around with flippers and then he yelled out as an afterthought, "Who needs a noodle?"
I leapt out of the water like a dolphin, my hand shooting into the sky.
"I need a noodle! Right here! Noodle me!"
That noodle was the reason I didn't drown.
Thank you, little noodle.
I watched as everyone put their masks on and get to it.
I called up to Heather and asked if she was going to get in on the action.
She responded by not moving.
I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I had my noodle, someone drowning was very bad for business so they would make sure I didn't drown, and I was like 10 feet away from the boat and not that far from shore.
I put my face mask on and instantly started to hyperventilate.
I ripped it off.
Heather was suddenly beside me, also with a noodle I might add.
We both appeared to be struggling with separate demons.
Her seasickness but want to have a good time, my need to breathe through my nose and not out my mouth but desperation to fit in with my cool friends!
We both looked at each other and dove in, determined to overcome.
I regulated my breathing finally and was having a good time, trying to find fish but not get too close to the rocky shore when a thought hit me.
Whats going on in my nether regions?  Am I attracting sharks by the thousands right now? On Finding Nemo, those sharks were crazed just by drop of blood.
This is real shit! Am I about to die?
I flung my head out of the water and realized there were people on the shore. I stuck my face back in and desperately regretted not getting those stupid flippers and aggressively paddled to shore with the help of my noodle.
We wandered around on a gorgeous white sandy beach resplendent with these amazing smelling white flowers, our boat guide said they were a relative of plumeria, and we all fell in love with Coco once again.
We rolled around in the sand and played with hermit crabs galore and generally were giddy in love with the Guanacoste region.
Heather was laying motionless on the beach.
"Hey how are you feeling?"
She responded by not moving.
They drove the dingy over to us and one of the guides stated that it was now time to party.
I thought to myself, what have we already been doing for 2 hours?
When we got back on sail boat Janet and I took our usual seats and they started asking us if we wanted Chile Guerrero shots.
Charlie was like "Hell yeah we want those! Make sure my wife gets one too!"
"No I dont want that."
Somehow, I got one and we all took shots. It was like hot, peppery rubbing alcohol.
We kept taking chile shots and Janet actually took one with the vodka they used to make the shots with, which is a local liquor made from sugar cane.
The verdict was that by itself, it was rubbing alcohol.
We called down to Heather to see if she wanted to join the 4 of us in another celebratory birthday Geurrero shot.
She responded by not moving.
They brought out a delicious whipped cream and fruit chocolate cake that said "Happy Birthday Charley" even though the lady said she told the bakery 3 times how to spell his name and they sang him a rousing Feliz Cumpleanos a ti. We all ate the cake with our hands and had more shots and more mimosas and more shots and more shots until finally we were chatting with the boat owner and he told us his whole life story, which was incredibly compelling.
We made our way back to the beach and had one more shot for the road.
I had not attracted sharks and was feeling good and drunk. Mission accomplished.
They got Heather off the boat as fast as they could and we were ready to get up and get on the second dingy journey when I stood up to gather up all our stuff.
It suddenly hit me that I had been out on the water all day, with no food except for a slice of cake and all the booze I could drink plus I was losing blood rapidly.
I felt myself start to keel and bent over and put my head between my legs.
The boat guide started speaking rapid spanish and the next thing I know I am in the dingy on my hands and knees with them dumping copious amounts of seawater on my neck and Aidan rubbing my back.
I was hyperventilating and about to pass out and the one who should have been rubbing my back was yucking it up with Janet and laughing hysterically.
Way to go Charlie!
I managed to remain conscious until we got onto land and threw myself out of the boat and crawled through the surf to sit next to Heather, who's lifeless body was now slowly reviving with some water, like actual water, not vodka.
I laid there for a few minutes and sucked down water until I felt ok.
Whatever had just happened to me was horrible.
"At least you didn't feel like that the whole time."
"Oh my goodness Heather, you are such a trooper. That was awful. Thank you for not making us turn around immediately."
We walked home and napped the morning off.
Our plan was to get ready and look nice and go across the street to a nice restaurant and maybe go see what the nightlife was in the off season. We showered, I washed my hair for the first time since being there and I even tried to straighten.
It curled up like, 3 minutes later.
I even put makeup on.
Which would eventually sweat off.
We all looked as dapper as we could muster in 100% humidity and walked on over to this fancy restaurant.
Before we went on vacation Charlie had called Verizon and told them that we were going out of the country and they said "Great, lets sign you up for the international plan and when you turn your phone on it will just cost 10$ per day, per phone. Data included. So, Charlie would turn on his phone one day and I would turn mine on the next. I facetimed my mom and Susie with the kids and browsed insta before bed and checked work emails.

Well, Charlie called Verizon, for whatever reason and realized that my phone number was not associated with this 'international plan' and the 2 days I had my phone on had accrued us a 1,500$ bill, so far.
As we were walking over there he was irate and in a total panic.
"I cant believe you weren't on wifi when you face timed, we cant afford a 1500 bill, this is insane!" Just going off, and I guess it was a big deal, but really, I was highly doubting they would actually charge us that amount. People are stupid and do stuff like this all the time on vacation.
Verizon was obviously going to refund us.
He was getting all worked up which made me super worked up and instead of enjoying a nice dinner outside at sunset, what we actually got was a strained, bug infested dinner.
The bugs are huge and literally were flocking to every spare inch of our skin.
Charlie lingered in the lobby for a bit, still on the phone with Verizon, and finally came out to sit with us and apologized to me for being a little over the top.
Verizon had said they would refund us, thankfully and it wasn't my fault because we both thought my phone was on their too.

I have a hard time letting things go, so I was on my 3rd adult beverage before I unfrosted myself.
We were eaten alive and charged for bottle water.
We tried to do a nice adult vacation evening but, ended up running back to the hotel and jumping in the pool after we sweat all of our makeup off and paid way too much for pina coladas.
Being an adult is highly overrated.

Cheers.

Ziplining, Crepes and Chats About Consent; Costa Rica Day 2 & 3

Day 2 was super chill. We discovered a little plaza 5 minutes from us  that had a crepe restaraunt, bakery, coffee place and convenience store with all the basics. We didnt need to walk for miles and miles home with a 50 pound box last night!
Who knew?
Aidan and I chilled and drank our crappy instant coffee, that Janet ingeniously brought, along with big baggie full of white powder suspiciously labeled "COFFEE CREAMER", and sat out on the lawn chairs next to the pool. I could've sat and not done anything the entire day but Janet and Heather were wanting to go and check things out in the daytime.
We dragged our feet about it but eventually got our shit together and walked into town.

 The rest of the day was a feast of mayonnaise covered tacos, fireball shots, giant fishbowl margaritas and oddly enough, a 2 hour long conversation about consensual sex. I know, we really know how to party.

We rounded out our day with Heather running into the surf, at sunset, and gracefully diving into the depths with me shouting , "I cant swim well! Don't go out too far! Really, I couldn't save you if I wanted too!"
 I was scared that she would get snatched up in the riptide and sucked out to sea, with me standing helplessly on shore,  then I watched her bounce up and yell, "I got sand in my hair!" and we both realized she had gracefully dived into 2 feet of water. My inept Baywatch skills could be saved for another day. Thank goodness.
We ate spaghetti and were all in bed by 9:30.
Again, party animals.

Day 3 was a little more exciting. We had our first excursion planned! We had found the Diamonte Adventure Park via our Air BnB host (thanks Brenda) and were on our way to zipline and hang out with animals. I was super pumped about hanging out with hummingbirds, they had a picture on the website of a hummingbird eating out of someones hand. Eeeeekkk! The zip-lining I could really take or leave, I wasnt even sure I wanted to.
 We walked in the strangling humidity for what felt like an hour, but was more like 10 minutes, to meet our driver at the good ole Hard Rock Cafe in town. We were early so we sat and waited for a bit and watched these super athletic, gorgeous Costa Rican women do cross fit in the blazing heat. Heather shouted casually, "Good job!" as each of the women ran past us. Janet and I shrank back and pretended we weren't with her.
Our driver was this super awesome guy, Byron, who told us all about living in Coco, his home life, how their health insurance works (its free for women, children, people over 50 and men who can explain why they need it) also how their education system works and government in general. I loved that he was willing to chat with us openly about his views on the policies and really just how things worked. It gives us, as Americans a different perspective on things, things we could do better with that could really benefit everyone.
As we were all having this really meaningful conversation and getting to know Byron, not just as our driver, but as a person we all shouted, "Holy shit! Whats that huge thing crossing the road!"
"Oh, thats a raccoon."
Oh.
Well, raccoons in the jungle in Costa Rica look way different than ours here in the PNW, I need everyone to know that.
Byron dropped us off at the shuttle entrance to Diamonte where we caught a bus and rode it up to the welcome center.
When were waiting for our bus take us to the center, we kept hearing jets taking off.
This was noted as odd because we werent near the airport.
We looked up and realized that was the sound of the damn zip line. It was a huge line across the sky, a million miles up with tiny little dot people literally flying across it.
Charlie looked and me and immediately stated, "Nope, not for me."
We all agreed, except for Aidan who was quivering with joy and adrenaline.
We paid $98 US per person for the all day which included 5 ziplines, a 30 foot free fall, suspension bridge walk over crocodiles and access to the beach (which included SUP boards and a hammock beach) the animal park and a buffet lunch.
It was a freaking screaming deal, I couldnt believe it.
Oh and the best part?
We were there with like, 3 other people!
This place was literally Jurassic Park with ziplines and no dinosaurs and we had it all to ourselves!
We were ushered over to the area where they have lockers, I had to put my phone in there as we weren't allowed to have anything in our pockets for reasons that I totally understood, but that means I didnt get any pictures. Bummer. We were all weighed, in kilos thank God, and marked with our weight on our wristbands. We then stood there while a band of workers suited us up into the most uncomfortable outfit I've ever worn.
It's like wearing weird super tight leiderhossen that really accentuates all your best physical attributes. We were given helmets and gloves and ushered over to the started zipline. The lead safety zipliner guy gave us a speech on proper technique and the few positions we needed to be in to either slow ourselves down or speed up. We didn't have to operate any breaks which was great because if that was part of it, I certainly wouldn't have done it. I need to not do anything or I woud've gotten way flustered and probably gotten stuck out in the middle.
No thanks.
I still wasn't super excited about ziplining, but I figured I had paid, so I could just try it.
We all lined up and Heather went before me.
I mentioned to the guy strapping us in that it was Heather's birthday excursion and this was what she had wanted to do from the get-go.
He pushed her off and yelled "Happy Birthday!"
Next it was my turn, I looked over and Charlie was being strapped in next to me.
He yelled, "You ready babe!" with an excited grin on his face.
The guy strapping me in asked me the same thing.
"Meh." Was my response
He pushed me off and as I was flying over the treetops, I thought to myself, "I guess this is ok."
Then I came in way too hot and really got my adrenaline going.
I was unstrapped and as I was walking off and Janet was sailing in behind me, I looked over the side of the platform and Aidan was rubbing Heather's back as she was bent over, possibly dry heaving.
What the hell is happening? That was just the baby one!
We all piled into the glorified golf cart with 3 other couples and they let us know we were on our way up to Super Man, the longest zipline in Costa Rica with 1 minute and 30 seconds of zipping at speeds of up to 60 MPH and the only zipline with a view of the jungle canopy and the ocean.
Woah.
Heather stated she knew her limits and was off to pump and relax on the balcony at the Welcome Center.
I thought to myself Super Man was probably not that big of a deal and I paid for it and I could always have them take me back down, it wasn't that big of a deal.
We climbed at super slow speeds for about 15 minutes up a literal 90 degree hill. How this open air mini bus didnt just fall backwards I have no idea, but we somehow managed to cling onto the side of this giant cliff face and eventually rounded the corner to the platform that the longest zipline was proudly on top of.
Hmmm.
We're pretty far up here.
I'm not afraid of heights necessarily, but lets just say when I see pictures of people doing yoga poses on the side of a cliff I want to shout at them to get down because your instagram likes arent worth the horrific death via falling.
Also, may I reiterate that this was Heathers glorious wish and the reason we were at the park in the first place. She was all about the ziplining but somehow I'm up here, sweating through my entire outfit, on the verge of a panic attack trying to practice my ujjayi breathing with 3 grinning losers Janet, Charlie and Aidan but no fucking Heather.
No.
She's down there open air manually breast pumping chatting up the owner of the park in the shade, drinking as much icy cold guava juice as she can handle.
What the hell??
There are a few couples ahead of us and they're all giggling and having a great time, pretending to be nervous and its really cute and whatever and then they give us these roll up stiff thick yoga mat things.
We're going to be strapped to these on our bellies with our hands grasped behind our backs?
What in the name of God am I doing?
I'm really trying to keep it together at this point.
I watch the first couple get strapped in and shoved off, then the next one.
Janet decides to give me a little encouragement. I think she could sense by my abnormal quietness that I was about to lose my shit.
"Hey Sara I'm really proud of you." She gives me a genuine encouraging smile.
"Yeah, me too babe. I cant wait to go on this with you." Charlie also gives me a genuine encouraging smile.
I fire back with, "Why!? You know Im just not that into this. I really didnt even want to. Im not scared of falling off or anything. These guys are super safe and know what theyre doing. This is just not even in my wheelhouse of want. I could really take or leave this."
Janet and Charlie both look at eachother.
"Woah. You're being super transparent right."
"We can see right through this whole scenario you're putting up."
"Reading you like a book."
I then proceeded to watch Janet and Aidan walk up and get strapped in. He pushed Aidan off to his impending death and I finally piped up.
"You're going to have to send a truck up to get me because I'm not doing this."
He casaully looked at me and then sent Janet on her way to certain doom.
Charlie was now getting strapped in and he glanced back my way and shouted more encouraging words.
Not one of the 6 guys that worked there even acknlowdged that I had said anything.
As I watched Charlie get into position on his belly, a thought that I learned in Yoga Teacher Training came to me: all suffering is temporary. If you can hold this pose for another 10 seconds, you can do anything. Everything is temporary.
This was only a minute and thirty seconds out of my entire life.
Why wouldnt I do this?
I walked up and the 2 guys up on the platform and Charlie all let out a collective "Yeah!"
I mumbled something less than pleasant and super gracefully flopped onto my belly.
He instructed me to grasp my hands behind my back and tied my feet into place. I was strapped in so tight, I certainly wasn't wriggling my way out.
"Ok, when you see that orange roof on the welcome center, you put your arms out to slow yourself down or else you will come in too fast. Ok? Do you see the welcome center? As soon as you hit that, arms out. Ok? Do you understand?"
"Yeah, yeah."
I had really zoned out, in all my terror, I think I was on the verge of passing out, when I get too scared my body just shuts down as a way of self-preservation.
"Mhhmm, yeah welcome center."
Wait, did he say I was going to come in going too fast? What happens then? Do I slam into the other platform and die? Snap out of it!
"OK 1,2-"
"Wait! Where's the welcome center? Here?"
"Oh no! Right here, much closer. Hands out ok or too fast."
Ok, Buddy, I'm ready to meet my maker.
Hopefully he can excuse all these F bombs and the child I had out of wedlock.
He pushed me off and I immediately felt my stomach drop out from underneath me.
I looked over and saw Charlie sailing next to me with a look of pure joy on his face.
Oh, this isn't bad.
Wheres the welcome center?
Where are you orange roof?
I wish I could say that it was the best minute and a half of my life but I was so focused on finding the damn welcome center so that I didnt smack into the next platform and die, that I just took in the sights of all the orange roofs they had there on the property.
The roofer did a great job.
By the time I did hit that center, I stuck my arms out and focused on the guy on the other platform and how quickly he was coming into focus.
I squeezed my eyes shut and slammed into the receiving hands of one of the zipline guys.
"How was it!?"
"What?"
I stood up as directed and looked around.
Where am I? What just happened? Whats my name?
I was so dazed by the ferocity and quickness that my brain basically just logged out for a bit.
She needed a little quiet time to process what just happened.
One of the guys took off my belly mat thing and rolled it up and said something and looked at me with an expectant look on his face.
"Sorry?'
"Its your own little burrito, look."
"What?"
"Look, its a burrito. You take."
"What?"
At this point he probably was thinking stupid American tourist.
He had rolled up my mat thing and was giving it to me to take to the area where you drop them off at the next platform for line number 3.
He shoved it into my arms and gave me a soft little push in the direction of where I was supposed to go next.
I dazedly stumbled over the dirt and rocks with my folded up burrito and slowly came back to reality.
They had water stations and I guzzled at least 15 little paper triangles of water.
I talked to Janet while the boys sat underneath the platform because we were all in direct sunlight and quite obviously burning. We ziplined back to the welcome center where Heather greeted us, freshly pumped and ready for fun, and ziplined all the way down to the animal park.
We did the 30 ft free fall, at that point I was pretty much like, ok whatever, I'm not going to die, right?
And we walked over the suspension bridge, strapped onto a rope over giant crocodiles and that was the end of our adrenaline filled morning.
We walked into a little tent where a gentleman unstrapped us all and revelealed that we were all soaked through with sweat. That poor guy may have the worst job ever.
We jumped on an air conditioned bus and all breathed a huge sigh of relief with the cool air.
Back at home base we dove into the best damn buffet of my life.

They had traditional beans and rice and fried plantains and they had pizza and homemade ranch and absolutely everything a bunch of over adrenalined tourists needed. We ate heaps and Heather told us all about how she casually pumped and watched us fly overhead whilst she talked with the owner of the whole park.
How nice.
After we gorged ourselves we went down to the animal park.
They had a ton of animals, of which all are rescues and we eventually split up. Charlie and I were totally obsessed with the butterfly house and sat and hung out in there for a long time.
It was the perfect place to be after the insanity of the morning.
We went inside to a wonderfully air conditioned room where they had more bugs, all native to Costa Rica, some stuffed, some live.
They had a moth as big as my weiner dog.
No thanks, Costa.

We walked around to every single little glass case they had and the lady that was in there knew every single detail about every single one of the bugs in there.
It was shocking how much she knew and how clearly passionate she was about her job.
She pulled out a live Hercules Beetle and let us touch him, which we thought was just the best.
We then went over to the bigger bird area and were greeted with a curious little toucan behind wire fencing.
Charlie and I both totally melted.
He was so cute with his awkwardly giant beak! We cooed at him and asked him why he was behind bars and as he held open his beak, we tried to explain we didn't have any food for the poor little guy.
A few minutes into us googling over this one toucan, a lady park worker came in behind us.
"Want to go in?"
"Wait? This isnt in?"
I dont know how we missed it, but there was very obviously another door into a giant open air atrium filled with toucans and other tropical birds.
We giggled to eachother and asked the lady why our little toucan buddy wasnt out with the gen pop.
"Oh, he is mean and fights the other birds."
Oh! Its hard to be a bleeding heart sometimes, you always assume the animals are innocent.
We each held a toucan after much gently cajoling by the park employee and up to that point were the only ones in the atrium.
We turned around and there was an older couple standing behind us eagerly waiting to hold the toucan complete with Ipad for the photo op.
Charlie and I stood back and watched as the toucan readily jumped onto the ladies arm.
It was very apparent why the bird wanted to hang out with this lady so badly. She was wearing a brightly colored striped shirt and thought it was food.
Just as her husband was taking the picture, the toucan took his huge beak and gripped onto the ladies nipple.
And just stayed there.
The employee was totally mortified and the lady laughed and uncomfortably tried to wiggle him off and the employee ran over and gently grabbed him.
The lady was super good natured about it and even insisted we look at the picture to get an extra laugh.
Thats a quality profile pic for sure.
We toured the amphibian area with an adorable freckly faced teen who was so excited about her job she kept forgetting her english.
I wanted to take her home and bake her cookies, she was so cute.
We came back up and snacked for a bit and finally hitched a ride over to where Byron, our trusty driver would pick us up.
We sat and waited and waited in the scorching heat.
There was a guy who was a bus driver for the park that kept trying to figure out what we were doing, just standing around.
Unfortunately our spanish was spotty, at best, and his english was exactly the same.
We went round and round and he even got out his phone and did Google translate.
All to no avail.
The poor guy had no idea what we were saying and we had no idea what he was saying.
My last words to him were a very sincere, "Lo siento senor, mi espanol es muy muy mal."
Byron eventually showed up and whisked us away from that death trap in his air conditioned chariot.
We went back to the condo and leapt into the pool, not even bothering to change into swim suites or shower or disgusting sweaty bodies off.

We all napped and Charlie, Aidan, Heather and I went out to grab something to eat, real quick from the little store.
We then stumbled upon a cute little creperie'. Crepes are my favorite thing ever, there was no way I was passing up the opportunity to eat crepes on my vacay.
We had Aidan run and go get Janet who was a big crankpot because this was not a planned outing, we were supposed to be napping. We got a beer in her and she calmed down.
I drank 4 beers and ordered 2 giant crepes and have never been happier.
It started to thunder and lightning and the owner of the restaurant strictly warned us not to talk on our phones and not to drag our feet.
We did exactly that on the way home.
The storm continued to build and at around 8 pm was in full swing.
Heather, Janet and I were laying in the big bed talking and listening to the rain, which sounded a waterfall dumping onto the roof when I heard a huge boom and then felt hands on me.
The whole house shook as Heather, Janet and I grabbed eachother and screamed. We were plunged into total darkness and freaking out.
The boys came running up the stairs and one of us was smart enough to turn on our cell phone flash light.
A transformer had exploded outside our condo and our power was out for presumably the night. Heather yelled out, "Who do we call!" to which I replied, "Were in a foreign country. We wait."
Heather left the room and called her Mom. We were all super excited, we were getting front row seat to one of Mother Natures most amazing storms and Heather was calling her Mom to have her tell the girls she loved them.
I would like to point out that there was no wind at all.
This was not a hurricane or tropical storm, just an average thunder and lightning storm.
Heather was in the corner thinking we were going to die while we all stood outside and watched the vivid lightning strikes light up the sky.
It was amazing and one of my favorite memories ever.
We all eventually fell asleep and when the a/c kicked on a few hours later all sighed with relief.

Cheers.