Hike to Hell

A few weekends ago, when we were still in the throws of February, our friends asked us to go hiking.
We met up with a bunch of our friends at the top of the Mount Loop to start our assent to the top of Monte Cristo. We all did this hike, with the exception of a few of us (respectively) in the 6th grade. What I remember of the hike was that it started raining on the way back and I ran all the way down, arm in arm with one of my friends and it was super fun. So, I was pretty stoked to be able to share this memory with my children. After Heather doled out snack packs and all the moms strapped babies to their backs and everyone took shots of fireball and got the dogs all leashed up and lingered in the road for a while, we were off. Everyone was in good spirits and Steve was running all over the place, extremely close to the edge of falling into the abyss with Coby who was "pulling him there" (yeah right). All the ladies were chattering about lady stuff and the boys were man-talking. Summer was trying to chat with Hattie on Heathers back and it was lovely. The day was unseasonably warm in the sunshine and the views were spectacular. The river was running clear and the birds were singing a beautiful tune just for the 12 of us spry, energetic hikers.
Shortly into this Disney themed hike, we would hit our first road block.
Charlie had talked to the ranger or whoever it is that mans the place where you buy the discover pass, actually now that I think about it, why would the ranger do that? Isn't that like a remedial task for a ranger? Ok, the counter person who sells discover passes had said that there was a treacherous log crossing to look out for about mile and a half in. We hit a little stream with a log on it that we had to jump over and everyone was like "hahahaha! That's what they were talking about! Treacherous? Hahahahaha!" Then we kept walking, hands skipping at our sides, babies and backpacks weightless on our backs with happy non-crying children and Steve skipping and giggling along in front of us.
A few short skips later we ran into some ladies who were hovering next to a big, huge log. Stopped and talking about turning around because there was no way to get passed it. The ladies did eventually turn around and there was a bunch of confusion, turns out we had just wandered a little way off the path and after messing around on some dead logs and walking into the bushes someone discovered our folly and we laughed and went back onto the designated trail.
This was not the treacherous log crossing.
This was the treacherous log crossing.
We kind of looked around for a better spot to cross and even thought about rolling up our pants and wading through the ice cold river but alas the log crossing was the only way around.
So we seized the day.
I called Charlie around to assist me and made him hold my hands as I shimmied my way up and over and then down to where the large part of the log was.
It wasn't that bad, I thought smugly to myself, "Psh. This isn't treacherous, this is totally doable. Ive even got a 25lb baby on my back. Supermom!" Then Summer and I took selfies in the middle of the log, still wrought with smugness.
I casually strolled across the river and then got to the other side, where I had to have a boy scout troop leader help me down. He was looking at me like I was insane and mumbled something about "watching out for the baby". Whatever. I know what Im doing.
Charlie managed Steve across and Lola took the best way and scooted along the top of it. We were all safely across! Our Disney themed hike could continue!
The rest of the hike was relatively easy, mostly just flat gravel walking with 2 hills, but nothing major. I figured the rest would be a piece of cake. Hmm.
Steve kind of fell back with one group and Janet and I fell into step, taking the lead. I called back to make sure that Steve was indeed safe and not hanging on for his life on the side of some rock face, clinging to life, because I have a crazy imagination and in my head that's entirely possible.
I was still feeling pretty good but Summer was starting to wiggle around a little. It was really cold in the shade and where we were at it was all shade. I had her dressed in a bunch of layers but I didn't have a winter coat on her and her pants kept riding up exposing her shins.
I called to Charlie and we stopped to change her diaper and try and get another set of pants on and her jacket. She was hysterical. No way were we putting her in a jacket and extra pants. No fucking way, Mom and Dad!
We put her back on my back and started again, binky and blankie in hand, calmed down and ready to finish. We hit the first of the 2 hills and my bladder really started to let me know we should probably stop. Stupid bladder! I was in no way going to stop, dismantle this baby and run into some super gross rabies laden toilet. No way. Shut it bladder, I screamed silently to myself.
Then Summer started to scream out loud.
We were about a mile away from the top. So close, yet so far.
I hunkered down and called to Charlie. Summer was ice cold and we were going to wrestle this little wildabeast into some damn winter clothes. She fought bravely and lost. We put her back on and powered through.
I speed walked until we got to a little clearing, I barked behind me "Nick! Snack pack!"
Nick threw a snack pack at me and I wolfed it down, trying to play it cool with my now thrashing and screaming toddler in my lap.
I looked and Charlie and told him we were done. I was about to lose my shit.
Everyone had snacks and we decided that Steve would go up with everyone who was continuing, it was like 400 feet from us apparently and that we would meet up later for beers and food in town.
Charlie looked longingly at Steve and then looked at me, I clearly needed him more.
I strapped my red faced, insane child to my back once again, and started booking it.
I was incredibly determined not to take her off and run away, forever and ever, even though I really, really wanted to.
A mothers love runs deep.
After about a mile I looked at Charlie and yelled to him that I needed to use the facilities. My anxiety had worked my stomach into a tizzy and now I not only had to go number one but number two was brewing angrily in my intestines as well. He just nodded, because of our wonderful songbird, still screaming the song of her toddler people. What a beautiful song.
I nodded at the people we saw coming up the trail and they cringed away like I had a disease on my back, the parents moved a bit faster like she was contagious. My ears were ringing and I had several unsavory thoughts running through my head about motherhood and my stupid choice to have children. My bladder was painfully reminding me that we couldn't power through the last 2.5 miles and my legs and feet were pushing back on me with each hasty step.
Charlie finally alerted me that the rabies riddled toilet was around the corner.
I took the still screaming Summer off my back and gladly handed her off to my loving husband who cringed away slightly but obviously took her for me.
The bathroom looked exactly like I thought it would and I almost had an anxiety attack thinking about a giant, poop covered rat scrambling up the sides and sucking me down into the toilet and no one would hear me screaming because my daughter had busted out all our ears and I would rot and be lost forever in this toilet.
After my brush with rabies, I asked Charlie to take over Summer. That little turkey was out like a damn light in 5 fucking minutes on Charlies back.
The rest of the hike was a beautiful breeze, without a rabid, writhing toddler making chatting impossible we were able to talk and enjoy the sights. The treacherous log crossing was no problem and the ache in my legs and feet seemed to be non existent.
We got to the end of the trail and got into the warm car. Summer was fresh as a daisy and we were off to meet up with everyone at Omegas. I took a deep breath to relax and suddenly my brain was filled with images of my sweet little boy, standing at the trailhead crying by himself.
"Charlie, um...I know this is ridiculous but what if there is some sort of miscommunication and Steve is left there by himself?"
"What? I told Nick that he would take him to the restaurant."
"I know. But, what if they don't see him and think he is going with someone else. It would take at least an hour before anyone would notice he was gone!"
"I highly doubt Heather would ever let that happen."
"We have to turn around and wait for everyone."
We turned around.
We waited 45 minutes for everyone to meet up with us.
Steve got in the car and I told him about my irrational fear.
"Do you really think that they would leave me up there? That's crazy!"
I know.
We all met up down at Omega and feasted on sammys and I pounded a few stellas. Everyone was blissfully sore and happy and even though Summer screamed and pushed me to abandoning her in the forest, I had a great time.


                                                               Cheers.